I'm in LOVE!

Oh Sparkling Korea, how I LOVE YOU. I love our hot dates, where we go to the amusement park to amuse ourselves.

If I could shout our love from a mountain, I WOULD!

World News Headline

Apparently the International Olympic Committee has officially recognized fishing as an Olympic Sport. This change will take place for the 2012 games in London.

Start practicing now!

Fact

Mr.Spock is actually demonstrating a Vulcan gang symbol for the Vulcani-Thugz.

So, not only did he fool all members aboard the Starship Enterprise, he fooled you too. That makes him one of the best liars ever.

Time for a story...

Back in '86 I spent sometime working as a glass bottom boat operator in Clearwater Springs, Florida. It was a great job- I had few responsibilities (mostly keeping the boat from sinking, and keeping passengers on board), and could drink on the job. Those were the good old days when it didn't matter too much if you hit a manatee with your boat. I never tried to hit any, but I swear some of them were asking for it.

Anyway, one time there was an incident with a turtle and a bag of pork rinds - the boat sank, and I was told that I had to replace the boat using my wages.

That's when I moved to Wisconsin.

An apology to OJ.

Dear OJ-
Really, I should gloat. I mean, not only did I steal your stuff, you got in trouble and blamed the wrong guys. Sucka. You didn't even see me coming.

But guilt is a funny thing. Because of my own festering guilt, here I stand, an apology swelling from my heart. I hope you can forgive me.

However, know this Mr.Simpson: Although I feel badly about what happened, I'm still not giving back your precious "name doodles" or what collectors refer to as "autographs." And do you know why?

Because I still think you did it.

Sincerely,
Duplicity L. Jones

Fun Fact

If you utilize common sense at least once a day, the size of your brain actually increases by 2.3%. So, in a way you can literally grow a brain.

Update: Shapeshifter

I saw the fiend again, this time in the form of the seemingly innocent and young Felis silvestris catus, or kitten, if you will.

Are there specialists that deal with this? I know that if I was to have ghosts I should call the Ghostbusters, and for Monsters, the Monster Squad, but what does one do for Shapeshifters?

This is very tricky, methinks. Very tricky indeed.

Maybe I should read this book?

Constant Vigilance!

I think we all can learn a little lesson:
http://www.blifaloo.com/info/lies.php

It feels like fall today.

Fall is my favorite of the four seasons, excluding summer and spring (which are much better and offer more fun activities). Although it is not technically autumn yet (autumn begins the fourth Thursday of every ninth month in the lunar cycle, but only after the high tide) one can feel it in the weather.

It feels cold.

Has this happened to you?

I was late to work today. Yes, I do have a job outside of blogging. I work as a semi-professional dogwalker. I haven't qualified for completely pro status yet, because the state board requires an exam, but I have all the other requirements. Dog walking is hard. You really have to understand the clients. Plus, there is a young woman who seems to enjoy shouting "wanna go for a walk?" each time I take the dogs out. Drives them wild. Really not a classy young lady. Says her name is Gertrude, but it sounds like a fake. Anyway, I was late today. I woke up and there was a man in my apartment. At first I though it was a Ninja, so naturally I was a little worried. Usually if you see a Ninja, it's too late (see below). However, I noticed this particular man was not wearing the traditional shinobi shozoku.

Okay. Not a ninja.

Much, much, much worse. Suddenly I was faced with a fox, standing precisely where the man once stood. A shapeshifter!

Now, has anyone else had an encounter with a shapeshifter? Nasty business. You can't catch them! So, as soon as I began my attempt to remove the intruder (a process which involved me yelling and charging forward with a shoe), he shifted forms into a Coccinellidae and took flight.

Knowing I was defeated by the very nature of the devilish fiend, I left for work, with the weighty knowledge that another confrontation is surely invetiable.

I am the luckiest person in the world!

Watch out for Ninjas. I have a feeling that we may be seeing more of them (or, for many, they may encounter the misfortune of NOT seeing the Ninja before it's too late.) Keep your eyes trained upward, because Ninjas often lurk above. Also, Ninjas can't swim, so maybe hangout in a lake, sea, ocean, river, pond, pool, loch, bay or strait. Avoid streams and bathtubs.

Stay Ever Vigilant!

Things, besides lies, I love:

Rambling without a point
Being annoyed
Lack of common sense (a.k.a "duh")
Pretentious art
Web logs that are very serious in content and nature
Creepers
javascript:void(0)
The Clap

Has this happened to you?

I was late to work today. Yes, I do have a job outside of blogging. I work as a semi-professional dogwalker. I haven't qualified for completely pro status yet, because the state board requires an exam, but I have all the other requirements. Dog walking is hard. You really have to understand the clients. Plus, there is a young woman who seems to enjoy shouting "wanna go for a walk?" each time I take the dogs out. Drives them wild. Really not a classy young lady. Says her name is Gertrude, but it sounds like a fake. Anyway, I was late today. I woke up and there was a man in my apartment. At first I though it was a Ninja, so naturally I was a little worried. Usually if you see a Ninja, it's too late (see below). However, I notice this particular man was not wearing the traditional shinobi shozoku.

Okay. Not a ninja.

Much, much, much worse. A shapeshifter.

Now, has anyone else had an encounter with a shapeshifter? Nasty business. You can't catch them! So, as soon as I began my attempt to remove the intruder (a process which involve me yelling and charging forward with a shoe), he shifted forms into a Coccinellidae and took flight.

Knowing I was defeated by the very nature of the devilish fiend, I left for work, with the weighty knowledge that another confrontation is surely invetiable.

Liar of the Day

Can I get a shout out to Pinocchio? That little wooden boy is super bad (did you notice how I just used bad to mean really good? I invented that technique).

Pinocchio, you little wooden darling. How I love you so.

Update: Al Franken

Last seen with a target bag, talking to himself, crossing 9th & 3rd, downtown Minneapolis.

When will I see him again?


Don't forget to read- Lies: And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right by Al Franken.

Did you know...

When you google "best lies" only 112 results are shown?

I don't just make up these things.

Here are the fifteen things that kept me from updating:

1. Wolfman
2. Boogieman
3. Mummies
4. Vampire
5. Ghoulies
6. Ghost Dad
7. Voldemort
8. Squid Man
9. Frankenstein's Monster
10. Ursula
11. ET
12. Mothman
13. El Chupracabra
14. Pirates
15. Ninjas

I hope this is true...

I heard today that Katie Lee is returning to Regis and Katie Lee in an attempt to re-usurp her co-hosting stature from that other chick.

Valentine-O-Rama

Ohh Sweet Valentine's Day. In the spirit of such an important holiday, I'd like to shed some light on the origins of St. Valentine. According to history.com, "One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death."

Nice try.

Valentine was actually a con-artist who lured women to his bed by claiming to be a priest whose dying wish was to learn "matters of the flesh." It worked. He was very popular with the lady-folk. So popular and suave, that his prowess began to have quite a bit of notoriety. He reached a point that he no longer needed to lie to get the attentions of the fairer sex. The rumor was that Valentine was saintly in his nightly activities. Hence, St. Valentine.

Valentine's day cards come from the thank you notes that Valentine sent to his conquests. He would sign each letter with "From your Valentine" a phrase that remains popular. Although he was a sleaze, he was thoughtful, and points must be given for good manners.

Why February 14th? It's the day that Valentine fell in love and finished his bed-hopping ways. It didn't last long, but for the few short months that Valentine and his lover Cupidette where together, it was magic.

Or so I've heard.

I did not do it.

Okay, Liberal Media, LISTEN UP. I've tried to be rational, listening to your whole "global warming" gibber jabber. I made a few points of my own, and waited for you to poorly attempt to refute concrete evidence. I even went to a lecture by Dr. What's-his-name.

But you have gone TOO FAR!

This whole man-made global warming campaign is slander. I'm a human, yet I'm pretty sure that I have never done anything to make this planet hotter. I have never mined for coal. I have never set an oil field on fire. I've never even done nuclear testing. And just because you are low enough to make the accusation, I have to address that I've never drowned a baby polar bear.

Sure, you'll all claim that you never named me specifically, but we all know you're talking about me.

So just drop it.

If anyone is contributing to global warming, it's you, Liberal Media. Because, Liar, Liar, PANTS ON FIRE. And that fire on your pants is hot, so hot that it's heating up the entire planet. SO THERE.

Oh Gawd, why Anna Nicole?!?!?!

No drugs in her system? Inconclusive autopsy results?
There is only one answer:
Vampires.

We all need to watch out and hope that before the undead killed our beloved Anna Nicole, they didn't turn her into a blood-sucking hell-bitch. Because last time I checked, there is no slayer stepping up to take over. Thanks Buffy. Thanks for nothing.

Rest in Peace, Ms. Smith. R.I.P.

Book to Read for 2007

Happy New Year! My resolution for 2007? Read more and lie less. Of course that's a lie, but it sounds far more intellectual than losing weight and quit smoking. I actually plan on lying more, gaining weight and to start smoking. You know, just to be like that.

Anyway, I picked this little gem out because whether he knows it or not, Mr. Franken and I have a little bit of history. The first time happened at the Uptown Lund's. I was minding my business when my little two-tiered basket cart was pushed to the side. You know who did it? That's right, my very good friend Margaret. Do you know why? Because Mr. Franken was coming and she was trying to get out of his way. Good grief. But, it doesn't stop there. Oh no. There was the time that I was walking to Lake Calhoun, and crossing a street when a SUV nearly ploughed me over. Who was driving? Not Margaret. MR. AL FRANKEN.

And so I present:

Lies: And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right
by Al Franken.