Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Valentine-O-Rama


Ohh Sweet Valentine's Day. In the spirit of such an important holiday, I'd like to shed some light on the origins of St. Valentine. According to history.com, "One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death."

Nice try.

Valentine was actually a con-artist who lured women to his bed by claiming to be a priest whose dying wish was to learn "matters of the flesh." It worked. He was very popular with the lady-folk. So popular and suave, that his prowess began to have quite a bit of notoriety. He reached a point that he no longer needed to lie to get the attentions of the fairer sex. The rumor was that Valentine was saintly in his nightly activities. Hence, St. Valentine.

Valentine's day cards come from the thank you notes that Valentine sent to his conquests. He would sign each letter with "From your Valentine" a phrase that remains popular. Although he was a sleaze, he was thoughtful, and points must be given for good manners.

Why February 14th? It's the day that Valentine fell in love and finished his bed-hopping ways. It didn't last long, but for the few short months that Valentine and his lover Cupidette where together, it was magic.

Or so I've heard.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I did not do it.

Okay, Liberal Media, LISTEN UP. I've tried to be rational, listening to your whole "global warming" gibber jabber. I made a few points of my own, and waited for you to poorly attempt to refute concrete evidence. I even went to a lecture by Dr. What's-his-name.

But you have gone TOO FAR!

This whole man-made global warming campaign is slander. I'm a human, yet I'm pretty sure that I have never done anything to make this planet hotter. I have never mined for coal. I have never set an oil field on fire. I've never even done nuclear testing. And just because you are low enough to make the accusation, I have to address that I've never drowned a baby polar bear.

Sure, you'll all claim that you never named me specifically, but we all know you're talking about me.

So just drop it.

If anyone is contributing to global warming, it's you, Liberal Media. Because, Liar, Liar, PANTS ON FIRE. And that fire on your pants is hot, so hot that it's heating up the entire planet. SO THERE.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Oh Gawd, why Anna Nicole?!?!?!

No drugs in her system? Inconclusive autopsy results?
There is only one answer:
Vampires.

We all need to watch out and hope that before the undead killed our beloved Anna Nicole, they didn't turn her into a blood-sucking hell-bitch. Because last time I checked, there is no slayer stepping up to take over. Thanks Buffy. Thanks for nothing.

Rest in Peace, Ms. Smith. R.I.P.